Playdate Confidential: Helping Your Child Choose Good Friends
When your children are young, you can have a good amount of control over which children they play with — you meet the parents at classes or make plans with your friends’ kids, you arrange the playdates, you see which kids are good matches. But when your kids enter kindergarten, the days of hand-picking their playmates are over. They’ll be in class with children you have never met, and some of those kids will rub you the wrong way. So how can you help your children make good decisions about their friends?
Helping children develop healthy friendships
There are several things you can do to help your children develop healthy friendships in their early years. And, your valuable guidance will help them make better choices when they get older.
So, what is healthy?
Talk to your children about what good friendships look like. Describe how true friends treat one another and use examples from your own life. Good friends are respectful, kind and helpful. True friends are not mean to each other or hurtful. A healthy friendship is when both children interact as equals, with no one child making all the decisions or dominating the play time. Of course, your children follow your example, so be sure to demonstrate healthy behaviors with your spouse, such as compromising and problem solving together.
The BFF
Don’t be concerned if your child latches on to one friend they refer to as their “best” friend. Children like to match themselves with someone who helps them feel comfortable and secure. No need to worry that these relationships are confining, because for some children, sharing their experiences with one special friend is more satisfying than spreading out those experiences with a larger group. As long as your child and her friend are having a positive influence on each other, there is nothing to be concerned about.
The not so BFF
So what happens when your child is hanging out with someone you feel is a negative influence?
- Try to emphasize the friendships you think are healthier, and encourage your child to spend time with those children. You can arrange fun activities, such as bowling or going to the movies.
- It is not a good strategy to forbid your child from hanging out with a particular friend.
- Try not to label the child as “bad.” Instead, you can talk about the behaviors you see that you don’t approve of, and explain that they have other friends who don’t exhibit those behaviors.
- Speak to your child calmly, explaining the conduct you value and the rules in your home. This way, your child will know that you trust him to make his own decisions. With the right guidance, he certainly will.
Reviewed by: Patrick S. Pasquariello Jr., MD
Date: January 2012
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